A Scary Thought

Over the past few days, I spent a good 36 hours mentally flaying myself for turning down a great opportunity. Our across-the-street neighbor asked if I would be home Thursday morning, and I said no. The idea of having to tie myself to the house from 8am to noon on my day off horrified me. I always walk, and run errands then! Upset my schedule? For uncertainty and awkwardness? Please, no! So I turned down a rare opportunity to be a good neighbor--G. had simply needed someone to open her house when the cable man came. Immediately after I hung up the phone, I regretted my answer. But I didn't have a number to call back, as she wasn't calling from home. Later, when I was able to call, she had found someone else for the task. During the intervening hours, I realized the scary reality that I could be perfectly selfish--and get away with it. My kids are grown, my parents have passed on, and my husband is low-maintainence. My nursing job, though frequently demanding, is just 7-3:30. The idea that within a few years I will forfeit even that outlet for service is frightening. I was stunned by the feelings of being 17 again, wondering wistfully how my life will be worthwhile. That I can't just play business-as-usual and follow the script of years past is discomforting. That I will have to actively employ creativity, initiative, and courage is daunting. The facts are, this is a new season. Health realities have given me the luxury of self-absorption for the past few months. But now it's time to journey on. The choices I make will largely determine how the trip goes, and that freedom is scary, indeed!